Anger

Anger is something I really struggle with. Not a whole lot of people know that or really even realize it. Sure, I'm nice to most everyone and sure, I smile and laugh a lot throughout my day, but even during those times where things seem to be great, there's a whole lot of anger just boiling down inside of me.

So let's talk... where does that anger come from and why don't I just deal with it and move on? Funny you ask because I've tried. Many times. I have been studying my life lately just to see if I can pinpoint or at least slightly figure out what the root of this issue is and here are some things I have found:

1. I obviously don't remember, but when I was younger probably around age 2-6 years old, I've heard a lot of stories about how I was always an angry child or would hurt my brother and sister or whomever else. Not sure what that was about, but maybe I was just born to be angry and hateful? Hmm...

2. My best friend was killed when I was 9 years old. Now, most of you are probably like, "Why would that make her angry and not sad?" Well of course it made me sad and I was devastated, but even more so it left me feeling angry. Angry because I lost my best friend, the person to whom I was closest to. I lost someone who I trusted and spent a whole lot of time with. I lost my sense of direction and at 9 years old, didn't even understand the whole concept of death... and in all honesty, still don't.

3. Relationships. No specific relationship, but just with everyone in general: males, females, teachers, professors, siblings, parents, acquaintances, friends, classmates... you catch my drift, right?

I'll stop there, but the list could go on for quite awhile. However, those are my top 3 causes of anger. And you wanna know the silly thing? I had/have no control over any of the three.

The first one - what am I suppose to do now? I can't go back in time to change my behavior as a child.

The second one - I had no control over my best friend's death and neither did she or anyone else for that matter. It was her time to go and God had other plans. But please get this, I am clearly NOT blaming her for the anger it left me.

And lastly, the third one - I have control over this to an extend. I can choose who I want/don't want to be friends with. I can determine how close/not close I am to my family and my friends. However, the part that I can't control and the part that leaves me angry is the other person involved. I have no control over how they act/don't act, etc.

So what am I trying to say? What is the purpose of this blog?
My answer is clearly this: control.

Control is the root of my anger. Control is the reason I hate being friends with people. Control dictates my life and emotions. Because I am not in control and because there is simply no way possible for me to be in control of everything or even my day to day life, I get angry and let that anger dwell within me. It may sound silly or even stupid, but it's honesty.

Today, I am angry. Today, I am trying to get rid of some of that anger and the negative feelings. Today, I want to start an end to the anger that has been built up in me for so long. I know that it will be hard and I know that I will fail... not just once, but multiple times. My outlook however is that I'm trying and am working through this struggle.

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

Stay beautiful.
Taylor.